An open letter to parents everywhere -
I know that feeling. That feeling that you aren't doing enough. That feeling that YOU are not enough. It can be triggered by one, little thing happening or it can be a feeling that you carry around with you for days, weeks, months or even constantly. It can come out of nowhere and knock you right off your feet and you begin to wonder, am I really doing enough? Am I being the best parent I can be for these children? Well, let me tell you, the answer is always yes.
And I am going to tell you why...
Off days
We ALL have them and anyone who tells you they don't, they're lying. So many things can affect a persons mood or performance and you do not have to feel guilty for feeling that way. It could be an argument or disagreement that sets you off. It could be the weather getting you down and you are just longing for a bit of warmth and sunshine. It could be the dreaded 'time of the month' when you want to cry over not having any KitKats left or scream at the top of your lungs because someone just forgot to put a new toilet roll in the loo.
But whatever it is, it will pass. And at that moment, it is ok to feel that way. You are allowed to show those emotions and feel those feelings - even if you have to make a few apologies after. And you know what, you may feel guilty at the time about your children seeing you like that but you are teaching them how to deal with their own emotions. You are showing them that we all have moments of stress and emotion that are so great, we don't know what to do with them. When you have said your apologies and calmed down, you are showing them that a rainbow follows a storm and there's always a solution. Don't be so hard on yourself. Obviously if you are dealing with a lot of stress and it is really affecting your life at home and in general, there are ways to get help. You could speak to a GP or a friend or family member. Someone will always listen.
i'm not good at 'playing'
I think the younger your children are, the easier this is. Well, maybe not for everyone but it was for me. I LOVED playing with my girls when they were really little. We could make any game fun. We would have tea parties with toys, play with little people figures, build towers and dens, make farms, play hide and seek etc and it felt natural and easy to do. But as they get older, 'playing' becomes so much harder.
We have busy lives. Some of us work as well as parent, we have houses to clean, meals to cook, shopping to sort, errands to run and at the end of the day, when your children say 'play with me,' sometimes, you just have to say 'Sorry, I can't at the minute.' Sometimes, you just need those 15 minutes that you have spare before starting dinner to just sit and take a breath. Sometimes you just want those 15 minutes to yourself to sit with a cuppa and chill. And do you know what, you shouldn't feel guilty for that.
Of course it is so important to make that time somewhere, like on a weekend when you don't have as much running about to do. It may not be playing, (apparently I don't play right anymore - I do it wrong ha-ha) but it could be sharing a book together, painting some pictures, playing a video game or taking a bike ride. But you do have to take care of your own needs, too. You must not feel guilty for saying no at times and children do grow to understand that they can be responsible for their own, independent fun.
they will grow up unhealthy because of me
When my girls were little, right up to about age 3, they would eat anything. Like anything. Any vegetable, any fruit, any meal I cooked and I was like, 'Yes! I have won parenting, I am a nutritional genius and my kids will grow up the healthiest kids ever!'
Wrong.
My children turned 3 years and 1 day old and BAM! Don't like fruit and vegetables anymore. What?!! But I've trained you in eating them since you were weaning and that's what you've pretty much lived off for your whole solid food life. You can't just 'not like' them now! But yep, it happened and I'm sure it's happened to or will happen to many of you, too.
But let me tell you, it still doesn't stop me giving them fruits and vegetables. Kate, my youngest loves fruit but she insists she hates vegetables. Erin used to be ok with both, but just lately I have to really coax her into even having a piece of fruit and for a while I worried about her getting the right nutrients and vitamins she needed. Vegetables I felt slightly different about. I didn't want to be that parent that forces their child to eat things that they really don't like but on the same hand, I wanted to still be that parent that offered the things they really should be eating even once in a while. So, I stuck to my guns and served a different vegetable with their meals at least 4 times a week. It would only be 1 spoon of it on the plate but it was there. Week in, week out, I would collect the plates and scrape the colourful corner into the bin and think, why do I bother?
Then one day, it paid off. Little by little, they started to eat 1 or 2 little bits from their plate and make a big deal like "Mommy, I just ate 3 peas!" and I'd be like "Naaaaa, you didn't" and they'd be "Yeah, I did, watch me!" It got a little better over time and they started to eat a bit more and you know what, I'm happy with that. Any little bit is better than nothing, right? And anyway, even if they didn't, would I want really unhappy children who started to have a bad relationship with food? Not at all. In time, as they grow older, their tastes change and they start to become more adventurous with food. There are plenty of vitamins these days that can take care of all their basic needs and so if you have a fussy eater, don't beat yourself up. If you had serious concerns then I would advise you to seek advice from a GP or dietician but as far as veg goes, just try it now and then. You can always hide it in food too if you're really sneaky...
The nags and nos
Do you ever get fed up of the sound of your own voice? Literally every other word that comes from my mouth some days is 'No!' or 'Stop it! or 'Pick this up!' or 'Put these away!.' And I think to myself, if I am tired of saying it, I am almost certain that they are tired of hearing it. So why do they keep doing it?? Well, they are children and that's what children do. And you may worry that nagging them and saying no is just projecting negative energy onto them but believe me when I say, it is for their own good.
What you are teaching them about is 'life skills.' Making them be responsible for their own belongings is so important from a young age. Yes they get fed up of you moaning at them and vice versa but you really are being a good parent by teaching them to be respectful in the home. It follows them through school life too and teaches them to take care of their belongings there and to tidy away and muck in when chores need doing.
My eldest daughter actually said to me a few months ago, "Why do you always say no?" And my answer was this -
"To be a responsible parent, you have to say no. Not to everything but to a reasonable amount of things. By saying no to you, I am sometimes protecting you. By saying no to you, I am sometimes looking after your health. By saying no to you, I am sometimes showing you a consequence for an action. And everything I say no to, is done out of pure love"
Home school fails
I had a few friends feeling a little low during home school lockdowns. It was hard seeing my strong, independent friends feeling deflated and defeated, trying to teach their children at home. I'm not going to lie, I am from a teaching background and even I found it hard to manage at times. It just wasn't the same for them working at home. They missed their friends and they are so used to being able to play and switch off in their own home but now they had to knuckle down and work every day.
And it got to them. It got to all of us. And we questioned whether we were doing enough to support their learning. If we were actually making things more difficult for them. If we were running out of patience at times because they just weren't 'getting it.' But do you know what? They did it. You did it. And whatever 'you did' in that time, it was enough. You kept them safe. You supported them. You took control if a situation was arising from school work pressure. You stepped in and did what was best for them at that moment. You should actually give yourself a massive pat on the back (aka a large glass of bubbly) because what you achieved in that time, is going to be written in history. And the children will catch up over the years if they've slipped behind a little. What they needed then more than anything was loving, caring adults supporting their emotional well-being as well as their educational needs. You smashed it!
There will always be times when we as parents/carers feel like we are failing our children. But over time, we reflect on what we have done and how we handled things and we learn to adapt. Gosh, my parents used to tell me off about loads of things growing up and I remember resenting being told 'No' a lot as a teenager particularly. It is all part of developing and growing up. We are not meant to be their best buddies all of the time (I like to think I am but I'm definitely not - so not cool enough ha-ha) we are meant to be parenting. And parenting sometimes means you're the bad guy. They will thank you for it one day, when they're older and even more so when they have their own families. You do realise that it was all done out of love.
You are a good parent... (no really, you are!)
